You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
