My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
