she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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