I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
