Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
