If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Randomize
