You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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