So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You can't special order awesome
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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