Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
