I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
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He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
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I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I know her cup size but not her name....
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