when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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