Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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