I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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