Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
