I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
