He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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