youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
