If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
