I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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