i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
