Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
