I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
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She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
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I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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