My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
