Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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