3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
