doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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