my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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