then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
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hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
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I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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