One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I cannot find my penis.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
