Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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