I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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