I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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