I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
