And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
