my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
