had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
