my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
