I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
