Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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