rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
