Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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