God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
