I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
As shirtless as possible
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
