Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
