I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
