when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
