if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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