i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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