I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
