Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
