What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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