We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Randomize
