I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
