My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
