I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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