Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
