better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
it's like iHOP with fire
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
