I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
