I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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